Anger – 2
In my last post, Anger – 1, I wrote of a positive strengthening and enabling anger: In itself, it exists without emotion. It is an energetic force accessible to assist us. Generally, and unfortunately, this positive anger is mixed, contaminated, with forms of problematic anger: those which conscript our attention and emotion. Therefore, we rarely experience or express this type of anger cleanly. Although it does help us, other unnecessary issues arise. In the follow-on to the seven posts I write regarding Hellinger’s model, I will speak to other approaches to taking action.
The topic of this post’s exploration is of a type of anger that is harmful and serves no life affirming function: No one benefits and its consequences grave. It is an anger entangled with emotion. Some years ago a large percentage of my work involved providing conflict mediation to leadership, departmental and project teams in business and government. The anger addressed in this post is one of three, possibly four, types that pervaded those workplaces.
This post is the subject of Bert Hellinger’s second type of anger: An anger that is a substitute for an action you could have, or ought to have accepted, or taken, or asked for, or, demanded from another. Instead of asserting yourself and taking what you needed, you became angry with those from whom you ought to have taken, asked or demanded from. This anger is a substitute for action and arises from inaction. It has a paralyzing and weakening effect that lasts a long time.
Please take note of this reminder: Models are no more to be believed than are theories, dogmas, proofs, facts and narratives. Rather, appropriate working models are useful as they point our way. We cannot get on without them. Too, like theories, they are often mistaken as truths. The beauty of working models is in their underlying intent: They are to be altered, as necessary, to fit the constantly changing and diverse worlds we inhabit.
In reading my examples below you will find that I have altered this model a little: Not only is anger substituted for actions you could have asked or demanded from another, but too asked or demanded from yourself. How many of us after failing to do what a moment asks, have gotten angry? Nearly all of us have experienced this.
Lets look to examples: When I was thirty I wanted a radio-cassette player to replace the AM/FM radio in my car. I found the one I wanted yet bought a less expensive brand. After twice returning it to the manufacturer and having it malfunction yet again, I was beside myself with anger. In a cloud of profanity I walked to the dumpster behind my apartment and fiercely threw it in the bin. I was unaware at the time of being angry with myself, yet I was. Too, there were other co-mingling forms of anger present then, but those types are subject to other posts.
Some time ago I outsourced a marketing project. Having received a bid, I contracted the job. Over the course of the project the contractor was angry with me. Eventually he stated that he had given me a discounted fee, and too, that the project was taking more time than anticipated. As consequence to his failing to pencil out his costs, he had unwittingly substituted anger for actions he could have taken: He could have asked for a proper fee. In failing to do that, he could have attempted to renegotiate his fee or the project’s scope. That would have taken courage on his part.
I have done similarly: During times of high rapport with another who asked my fees I have understated them. In failing to change my state of being from one serving social interaction, I created consequences I did not want. Anger was but one. The action I ought to have taken was to change my state of being to one serving my company’s interests. When angry these days, I ask myself: “What ought I have done?” and “What can I do now to remedy things?” Then act accordingly.
In workplace hierarchies many people frequently and unwittingly act unkindly or disrespectfully to those reporting to them. The myriads of things driving their behavior are beyond the scope of this report, yet, the anger of those in subordinate positions is, if only as example. Many of the mediations I facilitated in executive suites and conference rooms were to redress such issues. Generally however, the executives and managers I worked with were ignorant of their actions: Nor did they initially grasp that their actions largely contributed to their troubling workplace environments.
This anger too is substituted for actions one ought to take within couple and family relationships. No further example here warranted as this practice is commonplace.
I remind you: My intent in these posts on anger is to prompt our awareness; In doing so, to invite us to interrupt our habitual anger. So too, to prompt us to respond with actions right for the moment: those which serving self, other and the moment.
The following questions are asked of ourselves. The answers are irrelevant. Note: I use language consistent with that Hellinger’s model contained.
• In what contexts have I used anger as substitution for actions I ought to have taken? Should have taken? Asked or demanded from another? Of myself?
• In what other contexts have I done this? Are there specific people with whom I regularly done this?
• What patterns do I find in myself?
• What patterns do I find in those closest to me? At work?
• In what situations do I need to assert myself effectively?
In my next post I will highlight other forms of anger as substitution. I end this post with a few words from William Blake on anger. (Please keep in mind: How you speak to another concerning your anger is the difference that makes the difference.) Thank you Gregory Bateson for this phrase.)
A Poison Tree
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I water’d it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veil’d the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch’d beneath the tree.
Steve
You serve the world well with this piece.
Kath
Thank you, Stephen. This comes at a perfect time for me, facing a layoff this month. Anger toward the managers and corporate culture that would suddenly push me out, and anger toward myself for not taking action so long ago, when I felt the early promptings to move on. Rather than step out in courage, I dug in my heels and built a case of blame. Aha!
Ah, how I know this anger well! I have also found that such anger, or maybe a similar type depending on your definitions, arises all too often from our unmet expectations of ourselves or others. Like right now I’m angry at this computer because it’s not so old, yet the “w” isn’t working well on the keyboard. Someone once asked William Stafford how he could write a poem everyday and he said “Lower your expectations.” I find that to be good advice in many things. Not that we can’t reach for the stars, but don’t expect an easy set of stairs to get there. Anyho, your words touch home beautifully, my friend.
Blessings,
Tom
Hi Tom. It is the case, that our own failure to take action to further our expression gives rise to anger as substitution too. Well stated.
Thank you Stephen and to Tom as well for your comment and knowing I’m not alone. I also know this anger as well and am finally understanding it because of this article. Didn’t I tell you on Spiritual Networks Stephen….when the student is ready….! I’ve been trying to meditate it away for 7 years and am still struggling with it. Now that I can see the “why” I can begin to correct it. It’s so obvious – why can’t we see it? Deep gratitude. Namaste
To error is human, forgive divine. We tend to always be in a rush in life so really don’t know each other at all when we do sit down at our desks in the morning. then of course there are personality conflicts to contend with in the office scenario. I was a personal assistant to two account executives who interchangeably would try to get me to do alot of their work why they had the three martini lunch with clients. That became impossible because they were the ones making the money, not me, yet an expectation tag came with the position of personal assistant. I stomped down to human resources and had them give me a job description and in anger presented myself to the Manager of the department as to why I was doing the work of three people with one paycheck. the answer just blew in the wind. They ignored the truth because it wasn’t sweat off of their back. The lesson I learned was to quickly transform myself into the I’m only one person analogy and then one day decided to move on in life because i was always angry at the workload. Insensitivity has be be overrided for starters especially to the little guy on the totem pole. After all we have feelings too
Ah, The Poisen Tree. Yes. Thank you. Fortunately, many of us learn something later in life that helps us to function at a higher level. Good post. I look forward to more.
Blessings-
Wow. It is about time someone wrote about anger in such a helpful way.
Thank you Stephen..for your wisdom…Anger is poison to the body…I release anger..anger hurt only you..anger is a thought that can control you…anger can kill you..anger turns on you..
I do not allow anger to control me..it has taken me many life times to learn this.. Thought’s become things…I chose the good ones…I choose peace and love and harmony..
Yes I do agree that Anger is an issue, which we have buried deeply inside. When you look at the younger generation today and the amount of Anger that is carried round, it’s scary to think that the next generation of children are growing up with no sense of direction in life or a sense of purpose. It’s almost as if they have no identity and cannot define who they are. If no guidance from the parents is given, for they lack the understanding of the importance in being and parent, is much more than being a mum or dad – being a teacher to your child is part of the role. Holding them up then gentle imparting the tool box of Life’s lessons, so that the children of today are consciously aware of their emotions and are equipped to deal with what life throws at them.
The education system requires a complete overhaul and must change the way are children are currently being educated, and having an academic education from childhood doesn’t give the children of today a sense of purpose in life. It teaches that the purpose of life is to get a job, to provide for yourself and the family, life is so more than that and has much to give back if only the time was taken. The schools should also focus on developing the children’s values, understanding, compassion, and what about having a moral compass in life, this too is a vital ingredient. The list could go on and on. The only way to truly change the attitude of others is to start within the school system, from a very young age. In turn this will allow the conscious aspect of the brain to full develop in becoming more aware of their actions and more spiritual in tune….
Loved this blog. You have an eloquent ability to access the reality of anger.
Cool poem
Anne-Marie…you bring up some important things. Isn’t it wonderful that we have so many opportunities to improve on so many things around us. In this way we are very fortunate….for we get to shift our attention from the problems of the world and look to those things we can creatively do regarding what we want to live out, and express instead. Thank you for reminding me of this… take good care
Anger can be quite debilitating most especially, when there is little we can do to address the issue that causes the anger. it is for this reason, we find the most imbalanced & unfair societies produce irritable & easily annoyed people, who vent their frustrations & inadequacies on other, objects, themselves.
The anger is like an energy, with a will & consciousness of its own – when the host of anger is conditionally confused = disconnected from the actual-self, their anger will commonly target the weak & the vulnerable. In this way, anger is almost a public servant for a ruling ‘elite’ who can maintain social imbalance & division via the mechanisms of jealousy, pride & greed; we are each of us socially measured, valued by our earnings, education, social status – ego is nurtured, actual-self is oppressed.
There is nothing wrong with ego except when it is externally imposed as a result of centuries of psychological ignorance, confusion, misinformation, misunderstanding & lack of factual knowledge. The ego’s of today mostly exist on pure belief = faith in the structures & institutions that hand out degrees, jobs etc.
As egos are empowered or disempowered according to the scriptures of what is most required of particular individuals – those deemed ‘lesser’ are negated and there are a variety of natural reactions to this judgement – some are positive in that anger is focused, its source understood = a precurser to learning, taking peaceful action or even non-peaceful action as in the case of having to defend ourselves & others from attack.
Anger is rooted in the fight or flight mechanism – it is a warning, a signal that something is wrong. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Anger is a natural human emotion – and thoughts do feed on it – Anger will utilise a confused mind to find an easy target – like electricity it seeks to touch earth – this is cross-transferance. where people project their twisted judgements on others.
The key therefore, is to know one’s own self, to accept our wrongs – we cannot learn to live right if we continually ignore our errors. We come to terms with what we cannot change i.e. the hard-wired social programming, nonetheless, we can know this for what it is & learn not to be governed by negative thoughts & feelings, we can discover where such thoughts & feelings originated = from parents, teachers, social experience?
Justified anger does not cause physical harm, it is an expression of deep upset, it provides adrenalin & psychological energy, it wakes us up to danger = it is a ‘red alert’. Take someone like Alex Jones, he often expresses intense anger – a rage against corporate greed, government lies, banking fraud & theft etc. But he has never physically attacked anyone, he doesn’t build bombs to blow trains up. He instead exposes iniquity & shines a light on positive solutions.
My point is, although people in techno-societies are generally angry, there is a common consensus that anger must never be shown in public and when it is, people are shocked, even disgusted – the angered are described as having ‘lost it’. Subsequently, anger is mostly shared within families & circles of friends, who are in fact neither responsible nor worthy recipients for such intensity of anger expressed. This is hatred-anger which is derived from imposed paranoia, lack of self-worth = rejection = fear of abandonment & loneliness – true to its orignial intention, such anger generally creates exactly the situation it’s host most fears, but not before it has infected and/or abused others. It is in this sense almost like a disease.
Buried & absorbed anger can lead to severe depression & hopelessness if there are no means of successfuly addressing the cause – it is in this kind of situation that people can lose control & turn to rioting. Nothing less than incarceration can contain them.
As with everything, there has to be balance & ultimately the human spirit/psychology is wise to submit to reason. Since we have been conditioned to bury our anger in a climate where anger is judged bad & a poor reflection on the individual, people need to learn more about the reality of the world they inhabit, are there aspects of that world that make them feel angry i.e. is there a threat, a danger? Is there an obstacle that is causing great stress & limiting our capacity to share & feel happiness – are the obstacles serving a greater good or are they serving corruption & insanity?
Anger is positive reaction to insanity – true anger from the actual self is always passionate – because it is born of compassion & a desire to protect, to support what is fair & right, it takes everything into account – this passion empowers our words with truth & faith in what we know – it is recognised as real and as originating directly from love.
There are nasty/psychologically imbalanced people in our world, they delight in ‘playing’ with people, manipulating, controlling – these regularly cause anger between otherwise positive & caring people. Because we have been for so long conditioned to bury anger from childhood, we are toddlers in that emotion, we are ill-equipped to dealing with it, we lose control. In order to master our emotions we need to confront them, feel them, express them as harmlessly as possible – talk & express, show our anger not at individuals but at the injustices of this world.
I am angry that people are starving mostly because i have not the power to stop that from happening and because it is insanity when there is more than enough food to go round, i am angry about wars in the Middle East, i am angry about the bankers, the corrupt government & its equally corrupt corporations that fund UK politics. My anger expresses the pain i feel inside = i am very upset = passionate.
In light of the above, it is clear that anger is a vital & necessary emotion – a fire-alarm. We need to learn not to panic, but instead, get organised and prepared for solving the danger/problem – the problem is not that someone broke the dish, or someone stole something, the problem is that we are NOT living as humanity should live – we are living according to the dictates of a seriously misinformed ruling ‘elite’ & their chosen beliefs = an essentially angry God; humans simply reflect the psychology they’re born into until we learn to reflect a more positive truth which as yet, remains beyond the comparitively base ambitions of the ruling ‘elite’, we will always be a victim & servant of anger rather than its responsible owner.
The higher truth is Universal/Humanitarian Ethics = physics for thought. Lack of knowledge = lack of faith = lack of integrity = weak structure = we need TRUTH. Truth is light to thoughts, it nourishes & feeds inner balance & well-being – the less we know, the less power we have, so the weaker & more vulnerable we feel. Couple this with social derision & punishment for our ‘failures’, there is a fear of being wrong, a fear that makes us stay in line and hide in our homes = a fear that drives us to feel & express intense anger in negative ways that weaken social unity & serve only the interests of they who most profit from controlling social division.
Perhaps it is time to wake up and calm our fears with truth & knowledge of Universal love = caring, understanding, respect, compassion, forgiveness, trust. We allow our head to rule our heart only when we can fully understand & appreciate the heart’s emotion, for it is like an ocean and it is a gauge between fair & stormy weather and yes, the head can reel in outrage – which is why emotion needs to be accepted & respected especially in children, it needs to be addressed and reasonably discussed without judgement or blame on the emotion itself. Otherwise, in adulthood we are crippled to being emotional toddlers.
In this sense childhood is a time not just for learning how to read & write at school, but also, for learning how to most positively function as a humane being = someone who is capable of feeling & expressing intense anger but who nonetheless, can remain balanced by sound reason enough to positively address that which has inspired angry feelings. If we are wrong we can make amends, we can say sorry, we can learn & gain strength – when the fear of wrong = punishment is eradicated from the ruling psyche, incidents of negative anger will diminish and we will successfuly discern between anger & passion = Jesus PASSIONATELY threw the merchants out of the temple – he did not kill or maim and really, when we look at reality, it is apparent that they who inflict most troubles and traumas upon the life on this Earth, are people who act not in anger but through greed & paranoid insecurity. Wars are planned with cold calculation. Bombs are dropped with careful planning – soldiers fight on command not because they have a true passion against their target labelled ‘enemy’. Passion is a true army’s strength – the warrior who fights only to protect & defend. And yes, s/he has passion & s/he feels it like a fire = a determination to succeed in face of the outrage of unwarrented attack.
Humanity HAS faced & is facing unwarrented attack, a raping of our rights & resources – we are correct to feel passionate about that and we are right to stand up for all positive alternatives. Hatred-Anger stands always against = it is always ‘anti’ – Passionate-Anger is always ‘pro’. So, we are angry/passionate with nuclear power & oil pollution that is destroying life on our planet – shall we attack the Nuclear power station or instead, do we both support & develop viable alternatives?
Human psychology evolves with every generation, new knowledge brings new ways of being – life is forever growing & assimilating its environment – the more that growth is artifically inhibited so all the more hateful & passionate anger life will both reflect & express.
What I know for sure is that anger is often a secondary emotion for something else more basic.. often fear. A Dalai Lama that i had the opportunity to speak to last year said that anger is the most destructive force in our lives. I seek to live with love always in my heart. It is not that i never get angry. Sometimes anger provides the energy that I need to do the right thing – even when fear makes me weak in the knees.
Very interesting and informative Stephen. Thank you for your perspective.
Hi Debdah… Wow. You have said a great deal. What response I have is this: Separate from Hellinger’s model is a perspective I hold regarding anger as an expression of one’s individual grief arising from two fundamental relationships in our lives: One involves the estranged relationship we have with power, and the other is a result of our conflicted relationship with passion. At this juncture, I will leave this and write more on this after I complete Hellinger’s model. Thank you for your contribution!
We live in an experience intended for love by “Love” . . . anger is a symptom that arises out of fear. The unfortunate circumstances prevail that our theologies and politics which we use to understand and order our world are all based on fear rather than love. it is true we can only change this when we change ourselves but at the same time we have an obligation to promote a vision of love and peace for those who still struggle . . . you serve this purpose well, my friend . . keep up the good work!
Thank you Jim. Perhaps consistent with your offering, we might too follow James Hillman’s suggestion of constructing non-pathology-based psychologies…what a different angle of the prism that will offer…I wonder, might we then see the staggering beauty of the forces of Love’s Mystery that we are…
I really enjoy reading this blog and the responses to it…I feel compelled to say…..
Emotions= Ego…We have many egos within our soul. We must work to clear these egos and at times it might have to be on many levels in order for us to fully release the attachment to it.
I agree with Jim “Emery”. I was very blessed to be raised as a Unity Student being reminded that we are beings of pure love. That anger is “frustrated love” My Aunt Martha would say. It has helped me through my lifetime when I feel anger rising. Each situation, anger arises out of, comes down to a feeling (the fear) of not being seen as important (worthy of being loved) by others.
To intentionally send love out into the world from right where we are is the first and foremost thing we can do as a community. There are many opportunities within a day to be an example of that love. We can change the world. We are changing the world! 20 years ago when I told someone I was a Unity Student they told me I was a cult member! LOL so let’s keep on keeping on!
Hey Stephen,
I appreciate your dedication to serving community by addressing anger so thoroughly and thoughtfully. It is an important part of the dialogue that seems to be forgotten or even ignored in spiritual communities. I’ve noticed that anger can be deemed as ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ and so it gets suppressed. And yet it’s a form of expression that’s there for a reason. It can compel us to action or inform us when enough is enough. It can really highlight boundaries as well. Anyway, I appreciate your taking the time to share with community.. sending well wishes,
liv